always searching

unsatisfied

charming lies

the desire dies

spit them out

the wall shouts

back again

waiting for that day

away

 

 

 

Its been a while since I've been inspired. and how numb and pained I've felt and am sure I will again soon.  It's 8 am here in Seoul, South Korea.  The calm silence outside my window took my mind to a place.  I felt lucky cause as i get older it feels like i have to work hard to control my mind to relax and it rarely works anyways. but not today... it just happened......... I was in a place of comfort.... even in Korea i can remember a hint of what it felt like when i was a child, when i was in love, when i could actually feel that i understood.  And even if its not healthy to reminisce... i always have a craving for the world around me to take me back... to match today with the simple yesterday.... like how it feels when the sun embraces the ground, buildings, mountains with an orange glow, or how i am in a trance when i notice the wet concrete, fog or smells of spring,  or how it feels when i laugh so hard it makes me cry... or when your 5 years old and you finally have that candy that seems like the greatest thing the world -how moments like that make all my senses harmonize. Maybe i crave to escape. But i feel a sense of magic when all my senses are sort of enlightened ...when i feel what i felt when i was 7 or 12 or 16 or 26. a parallel of happiness. When i think about it... these moments were more common when i was younger... i guess everything was so new ...it was easier to look at the world with a freshness... maybe there is a way that i can still do that... i believe i do, but i has drastically faded and i dont want it to fade any more than it has...

 

Love

 

i think im going to go back to bed now

 

"Form is emptiness;
emptiness is form.
Form is not other than emptiness,
emptiness is not other than form."

 

-Buddism

 

 

its still mind bending to me... takes a while to refresh its meaning... but once it comes into focus... there is perspective/clarity again. 

 

 

 

 

So about an hour ago, i met an older woman at the bus stop.  She made small talk with me and we seemed to enjoy eachothers company.  Although i didnt know much about her, I felt comfortable talking to her... like we already new eachother.  then suddenly I found out that we had the same birthday!  I dont think i have ever met someone who shared the same birthday as me within 5 minutes of meeting them. plus meeting someone with the same birthday is rare enough. She was 56 though. hehe. I dont know, it was a special moment for me.  Good things are happening

 

although in a matter of a month... a series of unfortunate events have occured... i am thankful to say that the path is back on track!  many good things are happening again, ....( although it will be hard to move on knowing that i want someone that i may never have-Long crazy story, that would seem to only happen in the movies. hehe).

 

but anyways, just a very BRIEF update on my life. in a matter of a month, i quit my job, feared for my life, could not trust anyone, lost love... and more.... but on the flip side... i turned 26, finished all my degree requirements, got a more relaxing but fullfilling job and am back in the game of planning on teaching overseas.

 

during the down time though, i really had to believe in myself... usually i would take blame for my pain ... but with such a degree of several unfortunate events... i came to the conclusion that sometimes you have to take it one day at a time... control is limited... and again believe in my selfworth. woohoo. if we dont believe in ourselves, how can we believe and help eachother.

 

so yeah, it was crazy, but i made it... and continue to do so.

So the laptop is in the shop now.  I hope she comes out like brand new. pretty please

 

I just wanted everyone to know that i am having computer problems at the moment. Hopefully they can be fixed! I hope to respond to the comments soon. Sooo good to hear from you! 

k, Toodles

I finally saw the movie King Kong last night. it was one of the most beautiful movies i have seen in a long time. I'm not sure if i would make it one of my top 10 favs... but i can definately see why everyone loved it so much.

 

toodles

 

That i can not compromise my morals(beliefs) and goals for someone?

I came to the conclusion that i am far too honest(with what i know so far) for my own good. I am too comfortable with saying what i know and feel, not realizing that i should first get to know someone before that happens. and well, i hurt people when i do this, but not realizing or meaning to be this way. again it relates to my msn name "illmakeitreal"... BUT sometimes peoples' ideas clash. and i have to respect that. as they should respect mine. and in the end... no one should be hurt or in danger.

 

Love

or maybe all everyone ever wanted... was honesty. but maybe thats hard to do when everyone has their own realities... somehow i still believe basic honesty is possible... its like common sense. compassion. but... even that is hard to do these days. this not a blame game though... just things going on in my PERSONAL life these days.

anyone taking offense to it... well that is your choice. wasnt my intention. just trying to be honest.

 

Love

 

Someone who acknowledges their mistakes and corrects it... equal to... someone who openly makes the same mistake and has to live with it everyday???

 

 

So i'm still seriously considering teaching in Korea. As i've been thinking about it, i've decided how long i plan to stay and where i would like to go. I hope to stay no longer than 1.5 years. And i now feel i would enjoy my experience more if i took a position in a major city. Just so there is always something to do, a chance to still meet other english speaking foreigners and most importantly, more opportunities to have fun and party. the two cities i plan to choose from are Seoul and Busan. Ideally, i would prefer Busan over Seoul, just because of the location. its right on the coast... and further away from North Korea. However, the deal breaker will be the city that has a better electronic music scene. i'm serious! i want to have access to great international djs. more opportunity than what i have here in canada. Location, Location, Location. So far it looks as though Seoul is better. soooo, i have much searching to do in the mean time. and one more course to complete in may before i can get my degree by october. wooo, it feels good to be so close to finishing. and to have a break from school!

Anyways, if anyone knows about any good electronic music clubs in Busan korea, let me know.

 

 This space is for sharing the goods.hehehehe. Well i'm sure we all do that in our blogs/spaces.

 

And ive realized with all my studying and hybernating and we cant forget slacking.... ive been out of the loop. because today i discovered i could have went to an amazing concert. Dallas Green the vocalist of AlexisonFire and now City and Colour was here in Hamilton last month. but of course i didnt know that cause i had not heard of him until i finally tuned into MuchMore music today. It's been a while!

So they featured two of his latest songs which i adore and am here to share the love 

 

the first is called "save the scissors"

you can listen to it here

 

the second is called "the grace"

you can listen and view it in the link below, however, the video and sound is crap, but still, worth seeing! I love Dallas's Voice and the beautifully poetic video.

http://www.neverendingwhitelights.com/grave.html 

the neverending white lights is not his band however. but a band of mixed artists. and worth checking out as well. very cool!

 

"You pray to stars that can help you get by
And all at once you forget to try"

-lyrics from "the grace"

 

 

Keep trying - MWAH

Oh man! This clip is so funny i almost cry. not tired of it yet. Oh and make sure the volume is on. its just not the same without it.

 

 

i would love to do something like that myself with someone. anyone want to be a ninja with me?

 

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

eeeeeeeeee

 

 

oh yeah, cant for get CHEEEESE ninja

 

in a bathroom stall at York...i found an altered version of the following quote ...

 

To be nobody-but-yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

e e cummings
             US poet (1894 - 1962)  

 

gotta love the fine arts department, hehe

 

 

Soooooooo, I've been going through the 1/4 life crisis thing, but its over since I've been making and brainstorming some big changes in my life. The biggest one is to get out on my own, take a break from school and feel more independent. Intially, the plan was to move to downtown Hamilton, work and save money. But the new plan is to teach english abroad. basically, because there's more pros in this idea. I'll save more money, travel, experience a new culture - CULTURE SHOCK, gain more experience teaching, and have a work routine. Plus, since I wont be commited to anyone, it seems right. I dont feel i have much of a life here to be honest, i am always at so many different places at once. I lost several friends from my past, and cant really say i have any close friends either. I also don't have a boyfriend. So i kinda feel its convient to start somewhere new for a little while. The only 2 things that really keep me going here are my family, and my education/future. Basically the plan is to save money and come back to get my teaching degree and eventually build my life close to my family yet on my own. of course nothing is absolute, but thats the plan i look forward to at this point.

Now where do i hope to teach ESL?  So far Korea seems to be the leading place, because its easier to save alot more money. Can you say paying off your student loan in 2 years? well, i might not be so soon, but I hope to have paid off at least half of it by that time.

Anyways, first things first, I need to get my BA. I wont be doing the 4 year BFA just yet. I need a break. been in school toooo long. yeah, so theres one more course I need to take over the summer and then I should have my degree by november. and hopefully be gone by the new year! Although I was hoping to leave alot sooner, I'll get to have more time sorting out my options and hopefully save some money.

Anyways, another reason for doing this is that i want to continue being a good role model for my brothers and sisters. I dont want to struggle with a big student loan or come out of school miserable because i am still unemployed and have a big debt to pay. plus the challenge of experiencing a new culture can be a valuable lesson as well. no one in my family has done such a thing before. Id take great pleasure in being the first. Plus its a BIG step towards independence which i need greatly!

Anyways, those are my goals. I'm really happy about it. Of course this wont be an easy experience. but i feel its worth the challenge.

 

 

Hey everyone, I added the newest works that I've done during this school year. As you can see my style has changed. I am not just recreating photos that I take. I am creating new realities by montaging images together. They are a sort of abstract landscapes or dimentions. It's been a struggle for me though, because composition and colour are very challenging especially when your trying to bring so many different elements together. Hopefully this semester wont be so slow and i'll have more work to show.  I think i was inspired to go this way after i did the series in last years painting class. "Move", "Beyond" and even my earlier work "Above speed" all played with abstracting and bringing together elements to make a different space.

 

 

  

Wow its been a while. I need to catch up.... This one is a good one - Full of good news.  Only the best kind...

 

So first of all, i have to Congratulate my friend Peter for getting a job! I dont mean that in a sarcastic way either... this enthusiasm is because he has been searching since he graduated last April. He's a graphic artist. AND... it was well worth the wait! because he now has a job with MTV Canada. Doing animations and such.  I'm so proud of him, because i know the stress and perserverance he went through to get where he is now.

 

Love you Peter. Dreams are coming true.

 

Here is his site.

See his talent for yourself...

I was also graced with his talent this summer...I'll post the work he created for me at the end of the blog.

 

 

Also, I just finished reading a great book. and again it was a book assigned for a class that I'm currently taking. I love when i actually enjoy school. Anyways, its a Margaret Atwood book. Called The Handmaids Tale. I can't say why exactly i liked it. I believe it was the way its was written. full of uncertainty and suspense. and the political aspect and metaphors throughout the story. I love the characters strength and the idea of how we adapt and keep going. but most of all...when theres something to look forward to... as sense of hope ... and above all Love.  I stresses how we all need to be free ... be human... and this freedom comes in our ability to make mistakes.  On a personal note...sometimes i find myself gravitating towards mistakes just to feel sane... just to put myself into perspective... to remember why i need to keep going, trying. the rate will always rise and fall and rise again.

 

In the past two days while reading this book in the Library... i was accompanied by Armin Van Buuren's - A State of Trance Mix 2005. The first CD is so incredible! So many good tracks that I can't keep up. Trance is my Angel.  Thank you.

 

Life is beautiful.

 

 And currently listening to  Jose Amnesia feat. Linn "Closer" [Vocal mix]